2003-06-27 - 12:55 p.m.
I have never before felt such a strong sense of my own mortality. I constantly worry that my heart will just stop, like my mother's and my aunt's. As long as I am fat, I think I will be thinking that I am going to die at any second. I pray fervently, practically BEGGING God to allow me to live. It is terrifying.
When I was 12 and 13, I used to tell everyone that I was going to commit suicide the day before I turned 30. I thought that 30 was just ancient, and did not want to ever be that old. Now, I am scared that I will not make it to my next birthday. Not a good feeling at all. I don't want to die. I have so much I need to accomplish before I leave this earth.
THat is why it is so important for me to lose this weight. I know that when I am on program and start losing a good amount of weight, I feel so much better. I stop constantly feeling for my pulse. I am no longer afraid to walk or go up the stairs for fear I will have a heart attack.
I have also decided to quit smoking weed. Everytime I smoke, I start to get symptoms of anxiety, so there is a simple solution: STOP! I am just worried about how this will affect my relationship with BPC, as he is the one I usually smoke with. But he is encouraging me to stop as well, so it should be fine. And there is the added benefit of saving money.
Well, I have to go. I am at work right now and I need to start my shift. Have a nice day!
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